Notifications
Clear all

[Solved] David "Hesh" Walker - Whitelist application

Page 3 / 3
Fallen
(@fallen)
Eminent Member

Updated background:

My character is a regular American civilian that is 28 years old and is a farmer that lived in Texas, he had some basic gun training when he was 21 years old.  He went into a coma before the apocalypse happened. He got in a coma because he was riding a car and crashed it midway going to his house. After he exited the hospital the first thing he remembered was his parents that went on a vacation in Dallas. The first thing he saw on the street was a lonely zombie, he first took a look at it and tried to see how the creature moves and what it is. After a couple of minutes, he came to a conclusion that he needed to kill this evil creature so that he can go on and find some food because he was extremely hungry and thirsty. So he found a brick and used it as a weapon to bash the zombie in the head and that worked. After his first zombie kill, he went to try and find some food and water, he was very lucky because a few blocks to left was a small store with a lot of snacks and drinks, after that he tried to find a  vehicle to travel to Dallas. After searching for 1 hour he founded a Toyota family car that had almost full fuel. He tried to find his way to Dallas using the map he found in the car and using the road signs. When he arrived in Dallas he tried to find his parents, and that didn't work out on the first day. He searched for approximately 1 month and didn't find them so he gave up. His effort was fruitless. After surviving in Dallas for 2 months he found a group of 3 people and that was pretty scary. He was very scared of them killing him, but that didn't happen. So he got to know these people and they became friends and survived together.  

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 11/02/2018 2:53 pm
Fallen
(@fallen)
Eminent Member

Updated background:

My character is a regular American civilian that is 28 years old and is a farmer that lived in Texas when he was a child he always wanted to be a farmer, plant crops and make his own field full of crops just like his father did. His father was a successful farmer because he worked really hard and never gave up even after a lot of failures. He also played a game when he was a teenager and it's called "Counter-Strike: Source" he liked it a lot that he got obsessed with guns in the game. So he asked his dad if he could have some basic gun training, his dad allowed that but he told him that he has to be 21 years old to have that. When he was 21 years old, as a birthday gift he went to the shooting range with his dad and tried to shoot his first bullet in real life with a pistol.

He went into a coma before the apocalypse happened. He got in a coma because he was riding a car and crashed it midway going to his house. After he exited the hospital the first thing he remembered was his parents that went on a vacation in Dallas. The first thing he saw on the street was a lonely zombie, he first took a look at it and tried to see how the creature moves and what it is. After a couple of minutes, he came to a conclusion that he needed to kill this evil creature so that he can go on and find some food because he was extremely hungry and thirsty. So he found a brick and used it as a weapon to bash the zombie in the head and that worked. After his first zombie kill, he went to try and find some food and water, he was very lucky because a few blocks to left was a small store with a lot of snacks and drinks, after that he tried to find a  vehicle to travel to Dallas. After searching for 1 hour he founded a Toyota family car that had almost full fuel. He tried to find his way to Dallas using the map he found in the car and using the road signs. When he arrived in Dallas he tried to find his parents, and that didn't work out on the first day. He searched for approximately 1 month and didn't find them so he gave up. His effort was fruitless. After surviving in Dallas for 2 months he found a group of 3 people and that was pretty scary. He was very scared of them killing him, but that didn't happen. So he got to know these people and they became friends and survived together.  

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 11/02/2018 3:19 pm
Fallen
(@fallen)
Eminent Member

Updated background:

My character is a regular American civilian that is 28 years old, is a farmer that lived in Texas and is allergic to alcoholic drinks. When he was a child he always wanted to be a farmer, plant crops and make his own field full of crops just like his father did. His father was a successful farmer because he worked really hard and never gave up even after a lot of failures. He also played a game when he was a teenager and it's called "Counter-Strike: Source" he liked it a lot that he got obsessed with guns in the game. So he asked his dad if he could have some basic gun training, his dad allowed that but he told him that he has to be 21 years old to have that. When he was 21 years old, as a birthday gift he went to the shooting range with his dad and tried to shoot his first bullet in real life with a pistol.

He went into a coma before the apocalypse happened. He got in a coma because he was riding a car and crashed it midway going to his house. After he exited the hospital the first thing he remembered was his parents that went on a vacation in Dallas. The first thing he saw on the street was a lonely zombie, he first took a look at it and tried to see how the creature moves and what it is. After a couple of minutes, he came to a conclusion that he needed to kill this evil creature so that he can go on and find some food because he was extremely hungry and thirsty. So he found a brick and used it as a weapon to bash the zombie in the head and that worked. After his first zombie kill, he went to try and find some food and water, he was very lucky because a few blocks to left was a small store with a lot of snacks and drinks, after that he tried to find a  vehicle to travel to Dallas. After searching for 1 hour he founded a Toyota family car that had almost full fuel. He tried to find his way to Dallas using the map he found in the car and using the road signs. When he arrived in Dallas he tried to find his parents, and that didn't work out on the first day. He searched for approximately 1 month and didn't find them so he gave up. His effort was fruitless. After surviving in Dallas for 2 months he found a group of 3 people and that was pretty scary. He was very scared of them killing him, but that didn't happen. So he got to know these people and they became friends and survived together.  

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 11/02/2018 3:31 pm
Fallen
(@fallen)
Eminent Member

Updated background:

My character is a regular American civilian that is 28 years old, is a farmer that lived in Texas and is allergic to alcoholic drinks. When he was a child he always wanted to be a farmer, plant crops and make his own field full of crops just like his father did. His father was a successful farmer because he worked really hard and never gave up even after a lot of failures. He also played a game when he was a teenager and it's called "Counter-Strike: Source" he liked it a lot that he got obsessed with guns in the game. So he asked his dad if he could have some basic gun training, his dad allowed that but he told him that he has to be 21 years old to have that. When he was 21 years old, as a birthday gift he went to the shooting range with his dad and tried to shoot his first bullet in real life with a pistol.

Some of his skills are: Farming, swimming and sprinting.

He went into a coma before the apocalypse happened. He got in a coma because he was riding a car and crashed it midway going to his house. After he exited the hospital the first thing he remembered was his parents that went on a vacation in Dallas. The first thing he saw on the street was a lonely zombie, he first took a look at it and tried to see how the creature moves and what it is. After a couple of minutes, he came to a conclusion that he needed to kill this evil creature so that he can go on and find some food because he was extremely hungry and thirsty. So he found a brick and used it as a weapon to bash the zombie in the head and that worked. After his first zombie kill, he went to try and find some food and water, he was very lucky because a few blocks to left was a small store with a lot of snacks and drinks, after that he tried to find a  vehicle to travel to Dallas. After searching for 1 hour he founded a Toyota family car that had almost full fuel. He tried to find his way to Dallas using the map he found in the car and using the road signs. When he arrived in Dallas he tried to find his parents, and that didn't work out on the first day. He searched for approximately 1 month and didn't find them so he gave up. His effort was fruitless. After surviving in Dallas for 2 months he found a group of 3 people and that was pretty scary. He was very scared of them killing him, but that didn't happen. So he got to know these people and they became friends and survived together.  

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 11/02/2018 3:37 pm
PFQ
 PFQ
(@potionflingaqueen)
Honorable Member

Well, as a Texas resident, I'm gonna correct you on some of this.

1: "My character is a regular American civilian that is 28 years old, is a farmer that lived in Texas and is allergic to alcoholic drinks." Here we are with the "regular". There is no clear cut definition of "regular" it is subjective. It changes from person to person. Instead of writing "regular" person you could instead write about their early and teenage years.

2: "His father was a successful farmer because he worked really hard and never gave up even after a lot of failures." With the major innovations of crop farming such as motorization unless he's tilling the land himself with tools and not using vehicles I don't see how'd he fail so much. He would have to be a piss poor farmer or could you possibly elaborate on this a bit more, perhaps there was a different reason?

3: " So he asked his dad if he could have some basic gun training, his dad allowed that but he told him that he has to be 21 years old to have that. When he was 21 years old, as a birthday gift he went to the shooting range with his dad and tried to shoot his first bullet in real life with a pistol." I'm telling you right now if you asked your dad in Texas, especially a farmer if you could shoot a gun, he'd take you to the ranger this there and then to teach you. You don't need to be twenty one to own a gun anywhere in the United States unless you're in Maine, in Texas, and infant could own a shotgun. There's a three to one gun to person ratio here. I'd be purdy disappointed if that were my birthday gift.

4: "He went into a coma before the apocalypse happened. He got in a coma because he was riding a car and crashed it midway going to his house. After he exited the hospital the first thing he remembered was his parents that went on a vacation in Dallas. The first thing he saw on the street was a lonely zombie, he first took a look at it and tried to see how the creature moves and what it is. After a couple of minutes, he came to a conclusion that he needed to kill this evil creature " That's way too similar to what Rick went through in "The Walking Dead". This will need a complete change if you wish for that to be accepted. Also, how would he know it's a zombie, and even if he came to that realization, the one where he realizes the world is over and his parents are most likely dead comes soon after.

5: "He tried to find his way to Dallas using the map he found in the car and using the road signs. When he arrived in Dallas he tried to find his parents, and that didn't work out on the first day. He searched for approximately 1 month and didn't find them so he gave up" You're telling me he was just waltzing around Dallas uncontested by zombies? A city of one point three million people? I ain't buying what you're selling. Also nothing after this about how crushing it is losing hope that your parents are alive out there? Grief would be a strong feeling.

6: "months he found a group of 3 people and that was pretty scary. He was very scared of them killing him, but that didn't happen. So he got to know these people and they became friends and survived together." He may have gotten to know these people, but you don't mention them here. Nothing about them, nothing interesting about them, didn't even describe your encounter with them. Details are the most important part of any application, and in this one, they're severely lacking. I would highly recommend adding layers of more information.

For now I will have to deny this, you may reapply in three days. In the meantime it would do you well to brush yourself up on the rules which can be found here:  https://www.unturnedroleplay.com/community/whitelisted-server-rules/rules-2/paged/1/

If you're having trouble writing or making original content, then I highly suggest looking into Opti's roleplaying guide. It will make writing your application easier, and improve it's quality. You may find it here:  https://www.unturnedroleplay.com/community/main-forum/whitelist-guide-to-rp-from-opti/

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11/02/2018 4:31 pm
Fallen reacted
Page 3 / 3
Share: